I mentioned the need to socialise before and it seems such an inherent necessity for most people that I am wondering why that is not so for me. For many people social gatherings seem to recharge their batteries in a way but for me, those occasions drain more energy faster than most other activities. Of course, I have never had a time completely away from any social interactions or influence, that is hard to achieve living in an industrialised country, but I did spend a year working in shifts in a city where I had neither friends nor family and sometimes I went to bed in the morning and noticed that I had not spoken a single word the whole day. And I did not mind, on the contrary, it is rather nice to spend a day in silence now and again. My father is a very extrovert person and he now thinks about participating in a relaxation programme where you spend a few days in a monastery without speaking at all. That sounds really nice.
I have to add, though, that I did have contact with my few friends and family via the internet. I do not know how I would feel if that had not been the case; it is just the direct interaction that I do not seem to need as much as most other people. I have a few very good friends who like me despite or because I am the way I am and – as much as I cherish every moment with them – knowing they exist is often equally satisfying to me. The same is true for my parents. It is not even the fact that I know they are there for me if I need them (that would be rather selfish) but even if they are not always there for me, I still know they are there. That is the most important thing to me. It feels like a telepathic connection where not information or emotions are exchanged but just the reassuring feeling of not being alone, even if those others are not anywhere near me physically and I have no means of contacting them immediately. This also entails that they are – despite periods with very little contact, from time to time – in no way exchangeable; this connection is there because they are the people they are. Five special people. And I cannot imagine what would happen to me if I lost one of these connections. I know I will some day, especially considering that two of these five are my parents, but I can just hope that I am then in a different mental state than I am now. Right now it feels like the existence of the universe’s equilibrium is tied to their life.
The only great loss I experienced so far is my cat, Sylvester, whom I grew up with and who was my best friend for my whole childhood. I still do not know if it was for the better that I was not here when he passed away or if I could have been able to find more peace after giving him a proper farewell. The way it is now, it is still an empty, Sylvester-shaped space in my soul and I doubt this will ever change. I only learned to avoid that area but the pain has not changed in any way. But without diminishing what he meant for me I can probably say that my parents would mean an infinitely greater empty space in my soul and so far, I have found nothing that would be able to repair that damage. But maybe I will somewhere, sometime. So many other people have managed to so it seems to be possible.