This one has a very complicated topic. Love.
I spent quite a substantial amount of time thinking about what that is to me. Love. Before as well as after falling in love, that is. Essentially, I am glad that my attitude towards what love means has not been changed by me actually falling in love with someone.
To me, loving someone is to a large extent the wish to be a part of that person’s life. To share all the small things that fill up one’s days, to be able to talk about everything and nothing without having to worry about how and what to say, to be oneself and still feel respected and accepted in a sense that one’s eccentricities and oddities are embraced as much as all the talents and virtues. I dislike the expression “to give someone one’s heart” because that entails that your centre, your being, your lifeline is somehow transferred to this other person and that is a somewhat scary image. I’d prefer the image that the two souls – whatever that is – become linked in a supporting, reassuring band that is strong but not inflexible. To me, true love is a feeling of sharing one’s life with that person, not making them the centre of one’s existence. If I love someone I won’t dedicate them each of my heartbeats; my life is essentially mine and I have dreams, wishes and goals that I want to pursue as much as I expect of them to have their dreams, wishes and goals.
Loving each other is then finding strength and security in the other’s presence, sharing all that there is to share but not challenging the other’s freedom and personal identity. Developing mutual understanding and the other’s needs and happiness without having to think much about what to do exactly. And this sensation that you not only make skin contact when you touch them but… soul contact, as well. My lacking the need to socialise that I described earlier is probably also the reason that I can feel totally happy for a long time just on the knowledge that there is this special person who loves me and is loved by me. This connection already gives me a sense of stability, security and not-being-alone without seeing them every day or speaking to them.
I would never think of owning someone I love, they are an individual in every sense of the word, just as I am, and no feeling would ever make me want to lose this feeling of distinctiveness. To speak figuratively, they would become the counterweight on my life scale, balancing and stabilising, stimulating and lifting me to where I wouldn’t get on my own, but they wouldn’t become the star in my solar system – that is and will always be me. A twin star system, maybe, falling out of the usual cycles when the second one enters, rotating around each other once everything settles back and being left out of sync if it leaves unexpectedly.
I listen to these love songs and I get the impression that my definition of “love” is a more… quiet… one. Not weaker, I think, just less possessive.
I never understood the concept of jealousy and I have never been jealous because, to me, that has to be rooted in mistrusting one’s partner. But trust is the primary basis of love. And if I have reason to mistrust my partner there is something wrong on a far deeper level than jealousy would go. Someone flirting with my partner would probably elicit feelings of pride because this desirable person chose me instead of anyone else. This entails that I do not believe in the exclusivity for sexual contact that normally defines love. If I love someone and I feel loved by them I trust them entirely; if they wish to explore sexual needs that I cannot or do not want to fulfil that is perfectly fine with me – as long as I know what it is, because I want to understand their wishes and feelings – and who knows, maybe it’s something I’ve always wanted to try myself. Sex can be a special bond between two lovers, but it can also be nothing more than a pleasurable activity. And if my partner was looking for the first in someone else, there would be something wrong with the relationship, anyway. If they were looking for the latter, I would just be curious as to how it went.