The depression I’ve been fighting through in the last year made me think a lot about how outside events influence my feelings. I just spent two weeks on the Cape Verde islands with lots of free time, walking along the beach, listening to the waves, thinking, feeling.
I came to the conclusion, that it feels like there is a well of sadness somewhere in my being, and events are more or less different channels tapping into it. But the well has always been there. That is my theory to explain that all these events feel so connected, tapping into the same sadness, easily flowing from one memory to a completely different one and the feeling itself seems to have always been there, like a deep current.
Of course, sadness is an innate feeling for many lifeforms and thus it is easy to say “it has always been there”. But it feels like a deeper, melancholic sadness; a longing for quietness, being alone, not this loud, attention demanding sadness. Maybe that is endogenous depression; if it has always been an integrated part of one’s personality. I think that is the main reason why I recently discovered my passion for diving. It reflects that sea of sadness inside of me. It is quiet, muted colours in hues of blues and greens, floating in slow currents.
The channels – i.e. sad events – seem to stay open, for me. They don’t diminish in volume or capacity, they just can be out of focus if another channel gets focused on due to some internal or external trigger. But when they are moved back into focus nothing has changed; I still get washed over by sadness just as much as before. (However, at least it is the same with love, too.) Sometimes, it feels like I fall through one of these channels and get pushed around from one memory to another or without any specific memory at all.
Despite sadness being a negative emotion, often I feel … at home floating in that sea. Maybe because it has always been there. My suicide thoughts – when life seems too much of everything; noise, colours, light, talking, people, thoughts, feelings – always incorporate images of being alone, floating into some kind of dark nothingness. Space. Sea. Silence.